Volume 2: Crossroads

    Most of us are good actors, we can offer up a version of ourself that is pleasing to the world. Especially in christian circles, we can live how we want six days a week and put on Christ on Sundays. I found myself there, torn between two desires. One was a genuine love for Jesus, a desire to see people born again and for my family to experience the Gospel. On the other hand I had compromise in my life and there were some things I was doing that I enjoyed and couldn't lay down. I had sin in my life. It affected my marriage, my children and my conscience. Outside looking in you would think we were genuinely following Jesus, and we were. But we also were allowing things into our lives that was damaging to our walk with Christ. So many believers find themselves in this place. Genuinely in love with Jesus, yet genuinely in love with sin. It is called being lukewarm. A mixture of the Spirit of God and the flesh coexisting in an individual. It is a very miserable place to be and for us something had to change. 

    Even with the dreams I had, the trip to Trinidad and brothers from TLR coming to my home, I did not repent. Yet an opportunity revealed itself in due time. We had sold our house in 2019 and had moved into a rental. The lease was nearing its end and we had to resign soon. I felt like the Lord revealed to my heart if we stay there then my life would continue in a downward spiral and that this moment was a crossroad. I could see the road ahead and it did not look good. At the same time I didn't see a different option except resigning the lease. There was nowhere else to move and no blatantly open doors for us to walk through. I was overwhelmed with the reality that we could not stay where we were, but at the same time had no other options. I was at war within myself. I would find myself on my face crying at work under the pressure of this decision. I sought God more and more, begging Him to lead us and open a door. I would go back and forth on signing the lease and not signing. A big part of me wanted to stay there because I enjoyed the comfortable lifestyle I had. I was about as double minded as I've ever been. James 1:8 says, "A double minded man is unstable in all His ways." That was us, torn between comfort and obedience.

    Through all we've been through, God has been there to pick up the pieces. Hannah having seizures, losing two babies during pregnancy, loss of family and overall pressure of this life had caused us to find ourselves in a weak place. The compromise in our lives had to go. In our weakness we cried out to God to do something. I would be in the car screaming at the top of my lungs for Jesus to change me. I was tired of my weakness, tired of my life looking so far from what I knew Jesus had made available. I knew freedom from sin was possible, but hadn't experienced that. We ended up in this time deciding to move out of our rental and stay with some friends of ours (Scott and Chelsea). Our stuff was in storage and our upcoming days were a mystery. I had in my heart to get an RV so we went to nearly every place in Greenville, SC. Couldn't get one to save my life. Every door was closed (we had been praying the Lord would close doors and open ones He wanted opened). One day was comical. We went to an RV dealer, no one would give us the time of day. We had just been there to talk to someone the day before and actually ministered to one of the saleswomen who had a child with a heart for missions.  It went really really well that day! For some reason though that next day I sat for an hour and were ignored by everyone including the women we had spent time ministering to the day before, it was weird. So we left and I went to the dmv, they did not let me in. I then decided to go to my favorite restaurant, it was closed. At this point I realized I was doing something wrong, I was trying to make something happen, but it was not what the Lord had in mind.

A movie we had seen prior to going to their location in North Carolina. Enjoy!

   Soon after I saw a video on Youtube for The Last Reformation (TLR). We were familiar with this ministry but hadn't experienced anything. They were having a meeting about a tent revival RV road trip that they were gonna do very soon. I thought, "maybe that is why I was thinking about an RV." So we decided to go to the meeting that following Saturday. We sat through that meeting and don't get me wrong, I loved the message and the vision but I had absolutely no answers at that point. No direction at all came to me personally through the meeting. I was frustrated. As I'm walking away from the meeting I say to the Lord with all my heart, "You have to do something Lord, DO SOMETHING!!" Just then Torben Sondergard (the person who started TLR) happened to come down behind me. I pulled him aside and told Him our situation, our struggles with sin and what we wanted for our lives. He shared that freedom from sin is essential to our walk with Christ (Romans 6:7, 1 John 1:9, Galatians 5:1) and that we should take the call of Jesus seriously. I mentioned that we would like to help them with the tent meeting and travel with them. After we talked for a while Torben asked to be excused and that He would be right back. Eventually He came back and had one of the guys who came to our house months prior with him. They both made an offer for us to join the school they had just started immediately. They weren't going to charge us anything, we could stay there, eat, and attend the school all for free. This would mean leaving our family and our community we had been with for almost 10 years. One crossroad led to an even bigger one! My double mindedness set in again, at this point I STILL had no idea what we were going to do. I had to make a decision but at this point I just couldn't...